I think it was Churchill who coined the phrase the ‘Black Dog’ and guess we all have one following around at some time. Most people seem to be able to keep theirs under control, or it is just that bubbly puppy which gives you the ability to work through complex and tiring situations.
You know those butterflies in the stomach which can be explained away as excitement or simple nervous energy. Sometimes the puppy tries to extend its control and push the boundaries, as puppies do. Often a quick bit of training can ‘put it back in its place’ this could be a walk on the beach, a few quiets with mates or an understanding partner’s shoulder to cry on.
My Black Dog has always been there, I think, usually the bouncy puppy who helped me push through difficult situations and gave me the extra energy to do better. In mid-2013 this puppy came of age and took over from me and started to become the boss. It wasn’t fast, it didn’t just happen overnight.
Bit by bit it started to take away my self-control, my self confidence and slowly it was a shadow over me every day. Funny how it didn’t happen overnight because it usually took over at night with the inability to sleep giving it the power it needed to take control of the leash.
I think that this situation was made worse by my workplace, ‘toxic working environment’ has since been used to describe it. I was living the stress. A cough in the morning before work, not being able to eat breakfast and the inability to go into the break room in front of others were the symptoms, I just choose to ignore them. Push them away and brush these off as nothing – you man way of dealing with issues.
It was just giving the Black Dog more energy and the excuse to behave badly. The people I thought had my back at work and were friends were in fact feeding the Black Dog. While smiling and talking to my face, behind my back they seemed to setting me up to fail and to fall, and if they offered to help catch me they seemed to take a big step out of the fall zone leaving me to collapse in a heap.
I have since left my job and a career that I thought I would be in for life, I did enjoy it, loved it and wanted to be the best at it. Unfortunately is seems now looking back, those who were empowered to help me become successful seemed worried I might just do better than they were. I had, it seemed, dared to be better than average and had achieved things that seemed to others above my station and in the fine New Zealand tradition I was becoming a tall poppy just waiting to be chopped down. And chop they did!
Within this mix of metaphors remained the Big Black Dog. This animal seemed to grow with every cruel comment or gesture. The people in my workplace who were charged with protecting me from harm seemed to be pushing me further and further to the breach. The sides had been made and, as someone close to me says the ‘teams were set’ . My team against the rest!
Christmas 2013 was terrible. I was sick. Sick in the body and most importantly sick in my mind and that was hard to accept and asking for help was tough – much easier to plaster the cracks and repair the problem. So that is what I did plaster the cracks. I started 2014 pretending that all would be right.
My plan was not to talk to those who were cruel and unfriendly, only those who I knew I could trust. Those same people who jumped on the ‘acting professionally’ band wagon and complained about others who did not act in the same catty and opinionated way they did. This environment lead me to being accused of acting ‘unprofessionally’ and being investigated for misconduct.
Misconduct, what a joke. Accusations made about my behaviour were proved without doubt to have been made up as a way to force me to leave.
Listening to trusted people helped to control the Black Dog, but it needed to be fought. Getting legal advice helped so I was well informed about my rights and making sure things weren’t unfairly done to me was the first important step and I am thankful for my lawyer who had my back and cared about what happened to me.
Second finding someone to talk to, to off load on was the next vital step. My wife was a rock but even the Black Dog was nipping at her heels and snapping in her face so I needed someone who could listen, box it up and leave it in his office – Thanks Martin.
Being able to cry without feeling stupid or a failure, not having to be rock to help everyone else was vital. Telling that I could not do it anymore was a life saver – literally.
Us blokes are not good at asking for help and often look for excuses and crutches like alcohol to substitute the need to ask for and accept help.
The Black Dog took some time to control – like any animal obedience it took time and constant work. Weeks, months really and time has helped but so has everyone special to me – you know who you are and I love you all.
