I had already experienced first hand what can happen to someone suffering from anxiety and depression and it had shocked me. but I suppose it just never occurred to me that i could suffer from mental health issues too. I had dealt with large workloads before. I had dealt with pressured situations before. As i said I had seen others struggle with mental health issues but that could never happen to me. But this time was different, this was a whole new level of pressure and because I am built the way I am, I snapped.So, the way I see it, it started in late 2007. Senior management where I work decided that the IT development section that I had just started to manage was not needed anymore. But they needed me to lead on buying the two major replacement systems. And then my mum died. My dad had died when I was 7 so I suppose I felt a bit alone. Of course I wasn’t. I had my wife, my kids, my friends but looking back I don’t think I dealt with losing Mum. And then my best friend decided to emigrate. Again, felt a bit unsure. Marty and I had been a double act at work for twenty years. How would I cope without him? The thing was I didn’t have time to think about it because I was so busy with work. The amount I was having to juggle and learn and pull together was huge but I had always been able to cope before so I would again. Wouldn’t I?In the end, as the reality of how much work needed to be done and how I couldn’t do it all alongside the thought that it would never stop just made me snap. I shook. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldnt relax or sit still. And everything was going to be a disaster. And it was all my fault. I didn’t enjoy anything. At all. So I shut down and nearly went to a place no one should go. But that was easy to justify. Everyone would be better off without me. That was a horrible day but in the end I worked out that I needed some one to help ‘ME’.My recovery took up three months but I didn’t do it right. I took the wrong advice, I felt the guilt of not being at work at such a difficult time for my team and all I concentrated on was being able to justify going back to work. So I went back with this facade that I was cured! But I wasn’t. What i had done was talked with a few health professionals who all agreed i wasn’t superman and couldnt have been expected to cope. So i shouldn’t blame myself for any failures. i should look at the others involved and get them to share the culpability. And rather than get proper counselling which is what I should have done, all I did was a self help CBT and tried to train myself not to catastrophise (my favourite new word) and to step back and think “what’s the worst that could happen”. Which was useful but, more importantly, I had learned to blame and I had learned to hate. Blame others (in a way, rightly so, but really where did that get me?) for the position I and my team were in, as well as blame others for their poor decisions, poor work and poor advice when they should have done better. And then the hate kicked in. And it started to eat me up.

It took another three years but in the end I snapped again. By now I was quick to anger with anyone ( my wife and kids included which ashames me), quick to focus on the negative, stopped eating and sleeping again. Stopped enjoying life. But I didn’t notice and because I had gotten so good at hiding it, nor did anyone else. But that showed me that anxiety and depression are like alcoholism. You are never cured. You are only ever in remission and you need to work at keeping it at bay every day. But I succumbed again and this time, the tipping point was so sudden that no one saw it coming. But I ended up looking over a cliff edge (literally). Looking back, the signs were there for me. I struggled to concentrate, the sleep was being interrupted, the mind wouldn’t shut off. I focused on the negative, I was eating less and losing weight. But I kept it all in, tried to hide it and didn’t confide in anyone. Stupid!Family swayed it for me. I am lucky because I have a wonderful wife and four wonderful kids. And the thought of them brought me back. And this time I think I have got it right.I have acknowledged the hate and I have set it aside. I am still quick to anger but I am working on that. I exercise. I relax. I don’t bring work home. I delegate more at work. I know I am not superman who can do everything. And I am trying to enjoy things, even work. There is always bad stuff but more than enough good things to keep me happy. I just have to concentrate on those good things and make sure I, and my family and friends, do plenty more good things in the future.