When did I start to fall apart?

When I kept on taking psychedelic drugs, even though I hated most of my trips? When I carried on drinking until the bottom of the bottle arrived, with no accompanying revelation? When I had my first breakdown? Or when I chose to ignore it? When I developed chaotically fluctuating moods and delusions, or I became angry, withdrawn, paranoid, depressed? When the panic attacks slammed in, time after time?

While I recognise all these symptoms now, I dismissed them at the time. People started to treat me differently….which made it worse, as my relationships and support systems crumbled. I denied the obvious signs of distress…..and it got even worse still. I didn?t talk to anyone or share the concerns I did have……and life continued to deteriorate until I crashed and burned.

I spent 3 days in my room in total darkness. I ate no food but instead drank bourbon and smoked cigarettes until they were all gone. I cried and slept and cried again on waking. I thought about ways to make the numbness go away and some of the solutions, looking back, were extreme.

Had I only become ‘mentally ill’ when I was facing the signpost marked ‘suicide’? Who thinks they will ever reach that point…….until they get there?

Why did I let it get so awful? Why was it finally somebody else who had the presence of mind to drag me out of the spiral of decline? Why does this seem to be the case for so many people, men in particular? There are many answers to that: We don’t recognise there’s a problem; we think it will all get better on its own; we don?t know who to talk to anyway; and, yes, there’s a stigma attached to mental illness, madness, distress…….call it what you will.

There’s a point where you have to say ‘stop, I need help’. And, once you say it, you will find out that there are people who will help.

We need to talk about distress and emotional difficulties, not bury them. We need to help people recognise the early signs, and enable them to address them comfortably, safely, effectively……because crisis is not the time to start tackling the issue.

These are difficult, unprecedented times, especially for those of us living through earthquakes, destruction, loss and grief and uncertainty. We need to act now, be good to ourselves, be kind to others. We need to stop being ‘tough’ and become strong enough to acknowledge that things have got on top of us. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a brave and human step in the right direction.

Don’t let it get too far down the track. If you have concerns about your mental health or the health of those around you, talk about it, break the cycle. Begin the journey back to the real you.

Be a man about it.