I grew up in a normal Samoan family in Auckland in the 1950s and 60s, living in a State house, going to church on Sunday, doing all the faeus (chores) and getting hidings. It seemed like everyone was allowed to give me a hiding – at home, at church, at school, at family occasions – getting a hiding was just normal.

I learned not to cry, not to listen to people that gave me hidings, not to be afraid, not to give in or give up, I learnt to take a hiding from everyone and that was my inheritance from God. My father always told me he beat me because he loved me, that was his love for me.

I was never a child that had a childhood, I never learned to play. But I learned that violence got me what I needed and that violence was love and that’s why I got it tattooed on my hand, so I could share as much love around as I could with my fists.

No one told me any different, so I continued on with my life but wanting to be a better person than the role models of my childhood and youth.

I believed I WAS a better father than I was fathered and mothered. I believed I was a better partner and father than the role models I saw growing up. But even though I did violence differently than was done to me, it was the same because my children and my wife were afraid of me, I had to control them to be a man.

I always thought that violence was the way to get what I wanted – respect, love, being listened to – it wasn’t till I became violence free that I actually got to find out what these things really were.

The change from abuse and violence to be violence free came through many years of trial and error. Whether I like it or not, wanted it or not, the life time curse of generational abuse and violence was passed down to me to perpetrate.

The ultimate change came after I had beaten my youngest daughter with a platform shoe. My family left me. A week later they came back from the Women’s Refuge. We sat around to talk about what I had done. The first person to speak was my youngest daughter and she blamed herself for the violence that I did to her.

I felt that this was the first time in my life that anyone had stood up for me – my 8 year old daughter that Ihad beaten up the week before.

I had an emotional meltdown. I could not believe that my 8 year old daughter was blaming herself for the violence that I had done to her. It was from this talk that I made the promise to my family and to myself that I would “do something about getting angry all the time”.

The life changer was to attend an anger management programme in 1992. This programme was the catalyst for me to uncover and unlock the beliefs that I held around being a man. I learned the communication tools, skills and knowledge to address all the triggers of abuse and violence that I considered normal.

THIS CURSE NO LONGER EXISTS IN MY LIFE.

It is my destiny to be a Champion of Change, testifying that Family Violence is not OK! It is OK to Ask for Help!

I know I’m a good man now because I’m allowed to look after my grandchildren, I’m trusted to do that.